What is a mother?

I know it has been a while since I have written, but life really has been pretty boring except for the usual ups and downs we experience here at home.  So nothing to exciting.  Thankfully.

One positive note is that Nate is supposed to go off his medication for the summer.  I won’t lie and say I am not nervous at all about that.  I know what he was like before and the medicine helped him so much.

I am excited in that I am hoping his appetite might return some and that he will eat more.  I am currently scouting out farmer’s markets for the best produce so that I can make some smoothies for him.  You see, Nate doesn’t eat hardly any fruits or veggies.  He does have an apple sauce every day, but that is about it in the way of fruit, sometimes he will eat a banana.  In all, he only gets about 600 calories a day which isn’t nearly enough for a growing, active young boy

So I am optimistic about making some tasty drinks for him in hopes that he will get the nutritional content he needs and continuing giving those to him in the future.  I just have to learn how to add the veggies when he is not looking.  I think they will be good for not only Nate, but all of us.

Now, back to the topic at hand.  What makes a mother?  Yes, a mother is someone who gives birth, but there is this saying about dads.  There is a different between making a baby and taking care of a baby.  It’s funny that I have never heard that expression used in the way of mother’s.  There are women that have children, but just like some men, neglect them or don’t take care of them.

What makes women different?  Is it the fact that we carry and birth?  Yes, that is a tough job, but what about after?  Isn’t there a job to do after that?  I think the job after is just as important as the job of creating, carrying and birthing.

I do admire women who give their babies up for adoption so they can have a better and loving home, but I honestly can’t call the women “mother’s” who abuse, neglect or have so many children they can’t take care of them and give them what they deserve. Yet, society still seems to think this is acceptable and still calls them “mother’s”.  Each and every child at the very least deserves a loving environment, a safe place to sleep, food in their stomachs and a safe place to play and learn.

Being a mother is so much deeper than I could ever express on here.  Most of us have all done those same things you hear about, being thrown up on, had snot rubbed on us, held our kids while they cried, snuggled them etc.  But the best part of being a mother?  When my son looks at me and tells me “mommy, you look beautiful today”  or “mommy, I just want to hold you”.  When I cry my youngest will climb up on my lap and in his little voice he will say “I got you mommy”.  Well, guess what babies, I got you too

Rest in peace, Wolfie

When I experiencing something truly upsetting, my solution is to write about it.  Today was one of those experiences.  So I will do my best to get my feelings all down here and maybe find some peace with this traumatic situation.

This evening while Nate and I were on our way to soccer practice, I saw a man hit a dog in the middle of the road.  There was nothing this man could do as it appeared the dog had run away and was panicked about being in the road and he ran right into the man’s tires.  Then a second car came along and ran over the dog again.

I remember taking deep breath in and stopping my van dead cold in the middle of the road.  I got out and went over and looked.  I will never forget what took place.  Two boys (who had apparently been chasing their dog), saw the dog get hit and literally ran out in front of traffic after it got hit screaming.

Both boys saw what was left of their dog and began crying and screaming louder saying “No, Wolfe, No”.  Wolfie was laying in the road heaving and his eyes were literally popped out of his eye sockets.  There was blood running out of his mouth.  He was gone in a matter of probably a couple of minutes although it seemed more like an eternity.

I called the police and told Nate to stay in the car.  The worst thing other than the screaming of the kids and the dog dying was seeing people slow down and gawk.  People giving each other the finger for people getting in their way trying to turn around and go the other way

A nice woman finally stopped and offered a towel so we could move him and cover him up.  The man who hit him was crying and was visibly upset.  The officer came and luckily Wolfie had tags so the officer could go track down his family.  Although it was hard for me to understand how a family hadn’t somewhat appeared by that time cause it seemed like at least 10 minutes had passed and no one appeared

I have never seen anyone or anything die right in front of me.  To see an animal literally take its last breaths and suffer was both a helpless feeling and a traumatic feeling with everything going on around me.   I shook and it took everything I had not to either puke or cry.  I took Nate to soccer (20 minutes late) and explained the situation to his coach who was more than understanding about the situation.

I find myself sitting here a few hours later wondering what kind of dog Wolfie was.  Nate asked questions the whole way home about what would happen to the dog now, where was the dog, why did the dog have to die etc.  I did my best to answer each question and told him I bet Wolfie was happy in heaven and that God had given him a pat on the head, a treat and a ball upon arrival in heaven.  I told him Wolfie wasn’t scared anymore.

Wolfie, I bet you were a fantastic dog.  I bet you loved to run and play fetch and I know you will miss your family and I know they will miss you.  Your boys seemed very attached to you.  I know you were scared, but I am so glad you are at peace now.  I am so sorry this had to happen to you.  Rest in peace, Wolfie and enjoy your play time up in heaven.

They make me better

A little over a month ago I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression.  I was put on two medications.   One to help me with my depression and anxiety and another one to help me sleep.  They are Effexor and Trazadone.  I was also given a prescription for nausea later on after I felt nauseated all the time.

After taken them all this time, I am contemplating quitting them.  Why?  Because I am still suffering from those awful side effects such as headaches, diarrhea, nausea, dizziness, exhaustion, poor appetite and my bedroom life has taken a hit as well.  Effexor is currently, according to my doctor, the only medication on the market that works with dopamine and serotonin.  All the others only work with one or the other

However, to be quite honest I can’t quit taking them.  They make me a better mother.  Nate and I have grown closer than ever and he seems to now prefer me as much as he prefers his father.  Those medicines keep me calm and they are like a breath of fresh air.   I don’t feel as anxious and I don’t feel as sad or as angry as I used to.   The medicine helps me deal with his outbursts.  Instead of yelling back at him like I used to, I am unusually calm at times

Things still bother me, but not as much as before hand.  I am still able to cry and still able to feel emotions like happiness, frustration, sadness at appropriate times and joy.  None of those have disappeared.  However, as I said above I pretty much suffer with one or more of those side effects on a daily basis.

I would think with the advancements in medical science there would be more medicines available on the market.  I always keep my doctor aware of my side effects and he apologizes and tells me he is sorry, but this is all there is.  None of the other medicines I have been on over the years such as Lexapro, Wellburtrin etc have ever worked for me like this does.

Why are side effects like this acceptable for people who are suffering from a low point in their life or anxiety?  If this were any other drug like for high blood pressure, cholesterol etc I would be told to stop taking them immediately and something else would be made available to me.  Why is this all there is and why must I suffer to try to be a better person?

I really hope my time on these medicines is short-term, but somehow I doubt it.  With a strong family history of depression I have no doubt this will probably be a life long battle for me.  I can only think that maybe medical science will get on the ball and start developing something else that won’t make me feel so bad while making me feel good all at the same time.

 

Just trying to believe in what is left

I have had a really rough April.  On April 6th we had a bomb dropped on us and we have been reeling from that ever since.

There has been a serious lack of communication and I have been yelled at simply because I have no information and the communication is not there.

I also found something very upsetting and I am having a hard time processing how someone could write things like that about me.   Yet still trust them when they say that it wasn’t what was meant at all. 

On top of that, Nate basically punched, screamed and kicked me last night for almost half an hour.  The pain was so intense.  He doesn’t hit nearly as hard as an adult does, but at the same time it hurts.  I am surprised I don’t have any bruises. 

I got very little comfort and the usual criticism about how I didn’t handle the situation properly and how could I let him hit me?  I certainly didn’t set out to have him hit me, but I have one person telling me he needs to be restrained when he hits and another telling me that we need to let him learn how to self soothe and control his own anger in certain situations.  

Oh, and did I mention we got thrown out of the psychologists office yesterday because he was having an outburt and his psychologist couldn’t deal with him anymore?  He tried to work  with him for more than 10 minutes while I sat outside and listened to Nate bang on doors and scream. 

The doctor finally came out with him and basically said “He is all yours, see you next time” and walked away.  So, we will probably get billed for an hour session that only lasted 40 minutes.  The first 30 of which I spent talking with the doctor.

What led to this you all might ask?  Nate was upset over an orange car.  A fucking stupid orange car.  Oh and that Ben wouldn’t play the way he wanted him to. 

What is a parent supposed to do?  I am being pulled in to two different schools of thought.  One of which is telling me to let my son figure it all out on his own, sooner rather than later, and the other school of thought telling me that I need to restrain him and not let him harm me

There does not appear to be a happy medium anywhere in this situation.  It appears I am either doing the wrong thing by most standards or the right things by other standards. 

My weight loss has hit a wall once again.  Not only have I given up ever believing my son will be “fixed”, I have given up on losing weight.  I am just having issues eating all the time like I am supposed to.  My medication, which is supposed to make me better, is cause me to either not be hungry or be so nauseated I can’t even look at food

When I am not nauseated, I am terribly hungry and I don’t have the motivation to make something healthy because by that time I am usually running out the door to go do something in the afternoon or evening.

I have had a Chobani pear yogurt and some cottage cheese today, that is it.  I am not really losing weight either because like I said after the boys go to bed is usually when I end up eating. 

This class of drugs are the only ones that can help me.  Yet they cause such terrible side effects.   Nausea, tiredness, diarrhea, emotional instability.  Today I am just exhausted and ready to give up.  You would think with advances in medical technology they would have something better. 

Just when I felt like things were going my way in March, ready for a new beginning, the crap just piles up again. 

 

Is it really all about me?

Recently I returned to the gym after an ankle injury over the winter.  Before I was injured I was attending the gym on a fairly regular basis but I never ventured over to the weight training side.

I made up my mind last week when I went back for the first time that I would start adding some weight training to my routine.  When I was losing weight pretty regularly seven years ago I really enjoyed that aspect of working out.

I can’t believe it has been seven years since I last looked like this at a little under 190 lbs I bet

Zack was probably about 4  1/2 in that picture, he is ten years old now.  Any ways, on the wall across from the one machines was a sign that said “In the end, it’s all about YOU”  The word “YOU” was in red and in all caps.  It was hard not to notice.

When was the last time it was ever about me?  I can’t even say the last time I even thought anything about myself.  My world revolves around gymnastics, soccer, cub scouts, choir, bells, church, volunteering at church, at Victims Assistance and at school.  It consists of dinner being ready, beds being made, laundry being done, the dog being taken care of, making sure medications are being taken, doctor’s appointments are scheduled and attended.

None of those things are about me as a whole.  They are about me  keeping my family going, my house being taken care of, people  being where they need to be.  Sometimes I feel like I am just along for the ride.  No time for lunch?  Hang on, let me grab this small bag of chips or some water to hold me over.  Just got home, forget about lunch, it’s dinner time now.  Then the evening holds its own schedule.

It has been about my children and husband for so long I have lost the “It’s all about YOU” motto.  But, is it really about  just “ME”?  I feel awfully selfish for even thinking that way.  If I made it all about “ME” where would everyone else be?  It is my job to take care of everyone else, that is what mothers do.  That is what my mother did.

However, I do see the reasoning that I do need to put myself first in some situations, but it is hard to find that balance without that after thought of  “What about everyone else?”

How can I take my medication if…..

Approximately 55% of mentally ill individuals do not take their medications for a variety of reasons.  Some listed were that 1.  They thought they were better.  2.  The side effects were to great.  3.  They were too expensive with insurance or lack of insurance.  4.  They thought people were conspiring against them.  5.  Lack of transportation or access to medications.  Many more reasons were listed, those are just some of the top ones listed on a few websites I looked at

As some of you may know, I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and severe depression.  I was given medication to help me get better which I take faithfully.  This doesn’t come without side effects of nausea, diarrhea, headaches, tiredness etc.

Today I went and saw my doctor who went ahead and submitted electronic re-fills for all of my medications as he wanted me to take them a little longer to see if the side effects passed.

Shortly after leaving the doctor’s office, I got an email from my pharmacy stating that it was “too soon” for my refill and that I needed to quote “have the doctor resubmit the prescription tomorrow”.  Not, we will fill it but you can’t pick it up till tomorrow”, it was “everything must be resubmitted on 4/5/13.

So, I proceed over to the other pharmacy I use where they had a great deal on my other prescription and was told “I had to wait till the 14th of April and was sternly informed that if I was taking it as prescribed I should have plenty left and why would I need more so soon”?.  I was also told even if I paid without my insurance they had to make sure it was “okay” with my doctor.  And that that one also had to be resubmitted all over again.

No, I didn’t just call in a refill or bring a piece of paper, the orders for the fill came directly from my doctor’s office just two hours earlier.  So, if the order was electronically submitted just 2 hours earlier, why would it not be okay with my doctor?  Did I look wigged out on Trazadone?  Sure I had plenty left, sure I could come back later and had phone access to let my doctor know that both prescriptions had to be resubmitted, but some people do not.

That is one of the many sad things about our system.  Someone who may have childcare for just one day or have to take the bus right from their doctor’s office for medications then have to go home, find a way to contact their doctor and then make arrangements to go back on two different days to have their medication needs met.  Then rearrange to take the bus back and arrange for childcare a second time. This should not be the case.  Particularly when something is submitted by the doctor and not called in via refill or written on paper.

I drove away from the pharmacy feeling angry and upset.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I can go back while my kids are at school, I can call my doctor to have this stuff resubmitted and wait, I do have good health insurance that my husband’s work provides for us.

There are people who genuinely want to take their medications, but for whatever reason, many of them valid, they run into brick wall after brick wall trying to get help, trying to do the right things for themselves and any family or friends they might have.

They, like me, just want to be happy again, they want to feel healthy, they don’t want to feel like “wigging” out over whatever comes their way.  Medications are such a vital part of a mentally ill persons life.    Why does it have to be so hard to obtain them?

It all started with yesterday.

I started a new diet this morning.   Back to that in a minute, lets start with yesterday.  Yesterday my family and I went to Easter services at our church.  The sanctuary was decorated beautifully and smelled like spring and more surprisingly a smell I would liken to purity.  If purity had a smell to it.

I felt more alive yesterday than I have in ages.  When the  minister said Christ has risen, we were supposed to respond with Christ has risen, indeed.  But for some reason I felt like yelling out “Amen” or something similar. I have zero idea what has come over me or why I felt that way but for some reason I felt something different.  I wouldn’t say “out of control, but more like just blissfully happy”.

When the choir sang I got that same feeling just a general bouncy, happy and joyful feeling.  I guess that is what Easter is supposed to feel like?  I am not really sure.  It was weird but interesting all the same.

So, back to the topic at hand.  I am on a new diet bandwagon.  I saw a doctor on a local community show where I live and the diet sounded interesting and doable.  It is called “The Shred” by Dr. Ian K. Smith.

What I liked about it was everything you were supposed to eat and do were laid out for you.  Under breakfast it said eat this (any fruit) and pick one of these and it listed six or seven different options.  All the other meals are laid out the same way.  Basically the premise is that you eat seven small meals thought the day this includes three main meals and 4 snacks.

Each cycle is six weeks long and each week has a theme.   Your food, and exercise are mixed up each week so you keep your body guessing.  Your amount of exercise you should do at a minimum is even laid out each day with examples.  When you are done with your six weeks you can repeat starting at any of the weeks you want and do them in a different order or start over with week one again if you want.

The times are even laid out for you as to when to eat and they are completely adjustable.  So, if you sleep late on the weekends you can adjust your time as long as you are eating every three or four hours.  There are recipes and tons of snack options at all calorie levels listed in the back.

Substitutions are allowed as long as you follow the calorie guidelines laid out.  There is a book that goes with it and is available for $9.99 on Kindle as well as in book stores.  If you would like to check it out here is the website http://www.doctoriansmith.com/books/shred-the-revolutionary-diet/

The only problem I am having is the nausea I am experiencing with my medication.  I get nauseated about an hour after I take it in the evenings, even with some Pepcid and I get nauseated in the mornings.  So I can manage to eat a small breakfast, but the mid morning snack is hard for me to think about.  Usually I am over my nausea by about 12:30pm or so.

I see my doctor again Thursday so I hope he can suggest some solutions for me or change my medications so I am not experiencing the nausea anymore.  It makes it hard to enjoy life or food.

Have a fantastic day everyone!

 

Let’s face it, sometimes life just sucks. This is one of those times

I am having a very rough week.  My medicine needs adjusted and I have pretty much done the following all week-long.

1.  Became aggravated and angry

2. Cried

3.  Cried some more

4.  Yelled

5.  Slept

6.  Then got frustrated and finally cried some more

I go back to my doctor on April 4th and it can’t come soon enough.  I am so glad I have good friends to listen and to keep my grounded.

I do have so much to be thankful for though.  Nate had a really good week and overall my kids were very well-behaved.  My husband was able to take half a day off work this week and we went swimming as a family.  Today he had the day off and I was able to get my grocery shopping done so I could relax this weekend.

Sunday I start cleaning for a party I am having.  I wish I could feel motivated.  Thank goodness my kids and husband are here to help.  My parents are home after three months in Florida and I am so glad my mom is nearby again.  We don’t always get along, but I was lost without her presence these last three months.

Happy Almost Easter and I hope you guys had a great week!

Crime and the media

In February 2012 there was a  school shooting in Chardon, Ohio at the High School.  Three boys were killed and a boy and a girl were injured.  The boy who was injured was paralyzed and is now in a wheelchair.

Yesterday, the young boy who committed these crimes was sentenced after a plea deal.  I won’t say his name because I won’t contribute to what I find disgusting about this whole story.  If you would like to look it up his name and the entire story you are more than welcome to.  The young boy was given 3 life sentences and will never get out of prison

As if killing these boys and injuring two others wasn’t bad enough, this young man who was sentenced yesterday wrote the word “killer” on his shirt and hid it under his dress shirt and took it off when he entered the court room.  He smirked and laughed at the families as they read their victim impact statements.  When it was time to give his own statement, he gave a middle finger to the families and cussed at them.  The judge stated that he never saw the t-shirt or he would have asked the boy to put his dress shirt back on.  Another judge, who coincidentally refused to go on camera stated she would have let him where the shirt because of his “freedom of speech”

The news media last night of course was all over this story.  What did they focus on you ask?  Was it the victim’s families or the names of the victim’s?  No, it was the name of the young boy who murdered and maimed and what he did.  The names of the victim’s were only stated one time.  The name of the young boy who committed these crimes was mentioned roughly at least six or seven times during the entire story.

Not only did that happen, they mentioned at least three times about the finger and him cussing out the families and showed the video over and over again.  Which begs the question why on Earth would they give this boy this much attention?  Why not maybe quickly mention the above story, if at all and instead spend the time remembering the victim’s and focus on the families?

These are the same idiot news organizations that sensationalize and contribute to every day violence in their own way and then stand there open-mouthed and have to interview people about why this stuff happens.  Do they really not see the connection or do they just not care?  There is probably another young person out there that sees all the attention this young man received and wonder how they can outdo what he did.

This story bothers me so much I did not really sleep well last night despite taking my medicine.  All I could do was stare at this new low that a local news organization would stoop to.  During the sentencing hearing itself they had the camera on this young boy the entire time and maybe showed the families one or two times.  It was all about him and that is not at all how it should have been.

It is time to take a stand and not allow this to happen anymore.  I realize there is freedom of speech and news agencies should be able to report on what they want, but why not use that reporting to highlight who the true victim’s are?  Not only the boys that died and the two that were injured, but the families who have to live with what happened that day for the rest of their lives.

R.I.P.  Demetrius, Russell and Danny

What I dream of

I am sorry I am so late tonight with writing.  I meant to do it this morning and the time got away from me.  I had an important doctor’s appointment this morning and then I went straight to work.  After that dinner and then gymnastics class for Zack.  I actually fell asleep while waiting for him.

This morning I took a huge step and went to see a psychiatrist for the first time in my whole life.  I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression single episode severe without psychoti and OCD.  It is always good to hear you are not psychotic

I was given two medications one of which is called Effexor and the other is called Trazadone.  I am having a little trouble with the Effexor as it made me a little dizzy, gave me a headache and made me so tired.  That was all only with 1/4 of the pill which is what I am supposed to start out with and work my way up.  I am ready to fall asleep again just sitting here.  Thank goodness I don’t take this medicine in the morning!

Any ways, onto the topic of today’s blog.  What do I dream of?  I dream about my son’s and their future.  I want my children to be happy above all.  So if they are happy being bus drivers, hey, I am just glad they are happy.  I just want them to be good men and productive members of society.  I dream of a time when my youngest son will catch up to his peers and no longer be developmental or speech delayed.  I dream of time when my middle child will no longer be angry and he will outgrow what is going on with him.  I dream of a time when my oldest will go far in his gymnastics and maybe get a scholarship to college.

I want them all to meet their own definition of success.  To have children if they choose to, to meet someone who makes them happy.  I dream for myself a time when I can travel the world like I always wanted to.  To see France, Rome, Spain, Germany, Ireland and all those countries over there.  I dream of a time when I myself can be happy and my life and career can thrive the way I want.

I just take things day by day.  Right now?  I dream that tomorrow will go smoothly, Nate will have no episodes, Zack will not cry and that Ben will spend the whole day snuggling with me.  That right now is my bliss

If you haven’t had a chance to “like” me on Facebook come check me out here   https://www.facebook.com/TheFormerlyHotHousewife

Sweet Dreams All!