Yesterday while I was walking through the Wal-mart I had 1,000 things on my mind. I had just come from church and had delivered some flowers to the nursing home. You see, I am one of the altar guilds at my church and part of our job is to deliver flowers from the service to shut-ins and people in nursing homes.
The woman I chose was named Jean. A few years ago I had taken Jean to Lenten services every Wednesday during Easter time. I picked her up at her assisted living center and sat with her through the service, then took her home again. It was a very full-filling thing for me to help her out.
However, I hadn’t seen her since then despite telling her I would come visit her. When I walked into the room she didn’t remember who I was and that was okay. She loved the flowers and told me thank you many times for bringing them to her :) I gave her a hug before I left regretting being to busy to take the time to go see her.
I am not sure if Jean has any family, or anyone who visits her on a regular basis. However, it made me happy to see her smile.
Off to the store I went and as I was walking through my mind started racing about everything around me. Nate was at a birthday party and Steve had texted me to tell me he was doing a fantastic job and was being his regular old Casanova self with the girls. For some reason I kept waiting to get a second text telling me something had happened with him that wasn’t good.
Someone that isn’t used to him might have set him off, or he would become angry about something. I live my life on the edge all the time. My phone never leaves my side during the day while he is at school or if he is somewhere else. I keep waiting for that phone call to come and get him. If I miss that phone call then Steve will get disturbed. I worry about him having to leave work and that causing a problem. Without Steve’s job, Nate has no medication and no insurance.
It seems like a constant anxiety. The sad thing is, the phone hardly ever rings. There have been a few times when I thought I should have gotten a call, but didn’t. I try not to get too upset about those times as they don’t happen often, but I have a really hard time not being a control freak or a predictor when it comes to him.
Sometimes I might use the phrase “I am trying to help fix what is broken about him”. I get some that say “He is not broken he is a sweet and loving boy”. Yes, he is a sweet and loving boy, but parts of his mind are broken and don’t work right
Just because I say that doesn’t mean I don’t love him or think he is wonderful. I want all the best things for him. Sometimes I think I feel more anxiety about people around me feeling sorry for me or correcting my words and feelings than about Nate himself. I can see it in their eyes, know what I mean? Or I feel like they are judging my words.
In church we talk about handing it all over to God. Sometimes I think God has forgotten about me. How do I hand Nate over to him? And when I do what parts of Nate am I still responsible for? I know I have to take him the doctor, get his medications and keep him safe, but what part does God play in all of that?
I want to be seen as strong. Some days I feel more alone than anything else and I feel like I could crumble. I feel the pressures of the outside world more than anything else. I get some that say “I don’t know how you do it”. To be honest, I don’t either. I just go day by day as best I can.
I worry about when he gets big if he will take his medications, if he will function well. The years of peer pressure and influence are coming up fast. I want to be stronger than them, but I don’t know if I can be.
All I can do is pray, work fervently with his doctors and pray for the best outcome. I feel so much better now! Thank you all for visiting!